They Can't Go Home Again - Contention and heartache for aging parents

I just finished reading a NY Times article which appeared on Dec 1st (The New Old Age blog) concerning adult children that have finally had it after years of painful relationships with their parents and just give up or decide to exploit in order to get even for a parent's perceived mistreatment.  I am challenged by some long distance family members right now that have had such a long history of painful interactions with a parent that they have become obsessed to the extent of compulsively controlling every breathing, waking moment associated with their parent's care, relationships, outings, expenditures.  Neither adult child is a power of attorney, the parent in question has no dementia diagnosis, yet the children go to an MD appointment with me and hand me a note with the word "dementia" written in quotes (at a cardiology visit).  If they come into town for a visit, the criticize everything the parent does loudly and leave invariably after a bitter disagreement.  I'm sad and I wish it were different because in my experience a person in their 80's is not who they were in their 50's.  Although this behavior is old news to me and I realize that not everyone is meant to be a caregiver, I am at the point of offering them a mediator or counseling, or both as it takes hours of e-mails back and forth late at night and early mornings of every day and I am suffering from blackberry thumb burnout.  If you'd like to go to the NY Times Blog, The New Old Age here's a link to the article: http://tinyurl.com/33apxkm


They are currently recommending 2 books which I think will make good holiday presents:  Francine Russo's book, "They're Your Parents, Too." and "When the Time Comes: Families With Aging Parents Share Their Struggles and Solutions" by Paula Span, author of the December 1, 2010 blog posted on The New Old Age, New York Times article described above.